The Volusia County party was advertised on social media and encouraged strangers to show up for anonymous sex.

News item: A Florida man reported that his handgun was stolen from his bedroom during a three-day orgy at his home, the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office reported.


The social media-advertised orgy encouraged strangers to show up for anonymous sex, and involved about 20 people wearing masks, most of them unknown to the homeowner and using fictional names, the man told deputies.


So, the man had no idea who stole the gun off his bedroom nightstand, deputies said.


***


Clearly, the public must be warned to prevent something like this from happening again.


***


Public Service Announcement, Take 1:


"You might not recognize me behind this mask, but I’m McGruff the Crime Dog, and I’m here to tell you how to take a bite out of orgy crime."


Cut! Let’s not mention "biting" on this one, McGruff. And we’re going to need you keep the trench coat on and fully belted.


Maybe we ought to try something else.


Next.


*


Public Service Announcement, Take 2:


"Hello, this is Sheriff Ric Bradshaw. And I’m here to tell you that if you’re stealing guns from orgies, the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office Gang Sex Unit is going to get you.


"Even if you have a mask, there’s no place to hide. We’re going to find you, and break down the door at 2 a.m., and we’re going to go in there and extract you, even if you’re on the bottom of a very deep pile of naked, writhing, sweaty bodies.


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"We will pull you out of there, and use any existing handcuffs to bring you to justice, and force you to post bondage …"


Cut! OK, sheriff. That’s enough. Get him some water. I think he’s going to have an aneurysm.


Next.


***


Public Service Announcement, Take 3:


"If you’ve been involved in an orgy and might be moaning due to undiagnosed traumatic litigable medical ailments caused by the disturbing presence of an improperly secured handgun owned by your orgy host, it’s so important that you hire your lawyer sooner, rather than later.


"Hair samples disappear. Safe words fade. Sheets get washed.


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"Don’t wait. Call today. Nobody should have to worry about an extra gun going off during an orgy.


"Gordon & Donner, for the handgun-traumatized orgy guests."


Cut! Who let a personal-injury lawyer in here?


Next.


*


Public Service Announcement, Take 4:


"I believe in the Second Amendment, but with rights come responsibilities. That’s why I support comprehensive background checks at orgies, limiting the number of rounds of sex, and closing the masked-face loophole.


"As the former mayor of New York …"


Cut! Thank you, Mr. Bloomberg. We get the idea.


Next.


*


Public Service Announcement, Take 5:


"My name is Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive officer of the National Rifle Association.


"When I’m not accumulating a member-paid $274,000 wardrobe of Zegna suits, I’m fighting to retain your God-given gun rights in America.


"And I’m here to sound the alarm about what may be happening in Florida. Don’t allow the gun-grabbers there to come after your orgy weapons.


"Law-abiding gun owners have long felt the need to engage in group sex with a handy firearm at the ready.


"There’s no telling when the opportunity to squat-your-ground arises. And if somebody gets needlessly killed, remember, it’s not the gun, it’s the porn movies that are to blame …"


Cut! Mr. Bloomberg would like to speak to you in the hall.


Next.


*


Public Service Announcement, Take 6:


"At Ring, we have reinvented the doorbell, and now we’re reinventing orgy security inside your home with a fully integrated camera system that monitors your unsecured firearm, no matter where it is in the home.


"With a network of tiny cameras that reach every nook and cranny of your home, and a voice-activated interface, finding your weapon is as simple as saying, "Hey, Alexa, which one of these masked pervs has my Glock?"


Cut! Thank you, but we’re not looking to do a product endorsement just yet.


Next.


fcerabino@pbpost.com


@FranklyFlorida