You’ve heard of Watergate. You’ve heard of tailgating.

Gate — the word conjures up many visions. Personally I’ve come up with a new gate phrase — Laptop Gate!

It’s been probably lo 10 years ago that I gifted myself with a computer. My old faithful was a desktop for which, through the years various individuals have provided electronic B-12 shots. The latest is my hero David, my neighbors’ son.

On one of his last emergency missions to breathe life into a dying desktop, I thought I had a brilliant idea.

“I think I’ll purchase a laptop this time,” I said as innocently as a lamb going to slaughter.

Thank heavens when the time came — and yes I was at its side when dear old desktop went to electronic heaven, as was David.

The time had come.

So it was off to Computer Wonderland — that big, confusing world of computers across the bridge.

“Well,” said the first computer store guru, after he hooked up my faithful desk top to IVs and all the other stuff available to diagnose the problem. “Your computer is not fried. But it’s ready to jump off the bridge!"

And the hunt began.

Do you know how many different types of laptops are available?

I didn’t — and I still don’t.

Do you know how many gigabytes or megabytes or whatever you need?

I didn’t — and I still don’t.

Bottom line: I am now the owner of a new laptop.

Second bottom line: I have managed to convert it into a desktop.

But, first, we must backtrack to pick-up day. Computer guru No. 2 tried to be helpful, sharing things about my new acquisition. All his words did were make my head spin and my eyes glaze over. I didn’t hear much computer guru no. 2 said except, after witnessing my lack of comprehension: “Now if you like, we can have a guru come to your home.”

“Sign me up!” I screamed.

Enter computer guru no. 3.

And now, as they say, confession is good for the soul. As wonderful as I think a laptop might have been, I’ve managed to emasculate what some would call a beautiful instrument and turn it into a mini-desktop.

First, it was the mouse. Hated it. So, computer guru no. 3 attached my old mouse to the new machine.

Next was the keyboard.

Hated it.

So I purchased a new keyboard which I have posed on top of the old one.

But, because I have plugged so many thingies into the side of what was once supposed to be a take it anywhere machine, I now need what computer guru no. 3 calls a hub.

That will be, I hope, my final purchase to convert what was once a lovely laptop into a faux desk top.

Now, if I could just keep the newest Heymen feline, Cleopawtra from chasing the arrow on the screen, life would be complete.

 

Anne C. Heymen was associated with The St. Augustine Record for 49 years in total before retiring in February 2014 as features editor. Her column runs in The Record on alternate Saturdays.